When It’s Easier to Be a Single Parent vs. “Parent” With the Narcissist

Can you believe people are truly shocked to hear that it’s easier and more enjoyable to be a single parent than to try to make the chaos work with a narcissist?

When I reflect back on my marriage to a narcissist, I never even considered him when it came to scheduling conflicts or other parenting needs because he made it clear time and time again that he did not want to be involved in child rearing. When I had an event to go to, or something that I needed help with, my go-to was our nanny.

Struggle vs. Manufactured Chaos

Overwhelm, exhaustion, and feelings of inadequacy are common for single parents. Struggle is most definitely a certainty. But survivors share that the emotional, physical, mental, and financial struggles of single parenthood don’t hold a candle to unbearable fatigue that comes with the abuser’s manufactured chaos.

Narcissistic individuals seek out and create chaos. On top of the struggles of parenthood, this creates an unbearable dynamic for the safe parent and children. 

In the words of one safe parent, “I can handle struggle. I can handle exhaustion. I can handle working overtime in every way. And I can be a good parent in the struggle. I can’t be a good parent, though, in the chaos. I get sucked into (the narcissist’s) drama, craziness, abusiveness, and I cannot function in a healthy way.”

Intentionally Choosing a Peaceful Family Culture

For some single parents, the burden of making all of the decisions can feel heavy and overwhelming. But it’s important to remember that in narcissistic abuse dynamics, a protective parent’s opinions and decisions are often undermined, mocked, picked apart, or heavily criticized; that life truly feels out of control and the victim feels powerless.

Single-parenthood offers empowerment and gives the safe parent control over the family dynamic, routine, family culture, and climate.

A safe parent shares, “Just one day of separation and it was like a huge weight was lifted. We weren’t walking on eggshells anymore. I realized how much power I held in deciding for me and my kids what our home would be like. I told the kids ‘Dinnertime isn’t stressful anymore. You don’t have to make your beds perfectly. We can all relax now.’”

“Life Without Constant Scrutiny is Certainly Easier”

Post-Separation Abuse is a reality most survivors live with - and scrutiny and criticism are elements of the abuser’s control that never really go away.

But separating from the abuser gives survivors physical space to live, breathe, express themselves, and heal without the literal eyes of the abuser on them at all times, judging, mocking, undermining, and sabotaging efforts to heal.

“Life without constant scrutiny is certainly easier. I couldn’t drive or pour milk or make coffee without knowing he was going to tell me why I was doing it badly. I lived knowing that everything about me was wrong or bad. Now I know that he’ll attack me in court and over the computer for failing to be a good mom in this way or that - but in the time I’m not in court or reading his messages, the kids and I can just be ourselves. That’s where my healing has really happened.”

Single parenthood, while full of struggle, loneliness, and exhaustion, is easier than parenting with a narcissistic spouse, because it allows you to be yourself. To determine and live out the family culture that you choose, according to your values, not the ever-changing moods of the abuser. 

If you’re a single parent, remember that support is absolutely crucial as you navigate this journey:

We invite you to join your local chapter of OMB or, my private forum at The Lemonade Club.

###
Divorcing a narcissist? You’re in the right place.

The fine print: I am not an attorney and am not qualified to provide legal advice. Everything I share is based on personal experience and over a decade of work supporting others through high-conflict custody battles. However, it is essential to consult with your attorney before making any legal decisions or implementing strategies discussed here. Your attorney is your legal voice and your advocate in the courtroom. They can help you understand the law in your jurisdiction, evaluate potential risks, and determine the best approach for your unique situation.

About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I’m a survivor, a mom, and someone who understands this battle firsthand. I acted as my own attorney and successfully protected my children in a system that I can only describe as inhumane. I’m also a blogger, a certified divorce coach, a best-selling author, and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist—and I prevailed.

You can read more about me here.