My Narcissistic Ex Triggers Me On Purpose at Custody Exchanges
When I reflect back on six years of custody exchanges… it makes my eye twitch.
There were so many changes to how we did the exchanges. Sometimes it was at my condo. Other times, I was forced to bring the children to his family compound. We rotated through coffee shops and public parking lots. I would’ve preferred to use police stations, but my judge wouldn’t allow it. They believed it would create a “negative impression” of my ex-husband for the children, even though I had legitimate concerns about our safety.
The irony still stings: the court wanted to protect the children’s impression of an abuser rather than protect them from abuse.
When we did the exchanges in public and I was alone, he would call me a whore and other degrading names. His face would contort with rage, and the children would often cry because they were terrified of him. But if I brought someone with me? He was on his best behavior—respectful, calm, controlled. That’s when I began to fully grasp the concept of impression management. It was never about the kids. It was about control. Always.
And I’m not alone in this.
In the beginning, I was extremely triggered during exchanges. My nervous system was on high alert, and it showed. Thankfully, my therapist understood the dynamics of family court and warned me early on: If you appear anxious, the court may blame you for your child’s anxiety—even when that anxiety is a response to real fear. She explained how easily the system can misinterpret trauma responses and advised me to approach each exchange like an actress preparing for the role of a lifetime. “Pretend,” she said, “that your ex is the best co-parent you’ve ever imagined. Play it calm, warm, and confident—even if every part of you is shaking.” So I did. I stepped into each exchange like I was being watched by a panel of judges, because in many ways, I was.
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist or high-conflict individual, you likely understand that visitation exchanges aren’t just about logistics—they become emotional war zones. A narcissist will often trigger you on purpose during pick-ups and drop-offs. Why? Because it gives them a sense of power. Because they know your wounds. Because your pain feeds their ego.
When Your Narcissistic Ex Uses the Exchange to Trigger You
A trigger is anything (a word, place, smell, facial expression) that brings up a strong emotional response rooted in trauma. When those triggers are intentionally weaponized by someone who knows exactly what hurts you, it can feel like emotional ambush.
You can’t stop your body from reacting to trauma. But you can prepare for the moments you know will be hard—and take proactive steps to protect yourself.
Here are some strategies that helped me and may help you:
Meet in neutral, public locations. Even if police stations aren’t an option, choose busy places with lots of visibility.
Bring a support person. My ex’s behavior changed entirely when I wasn’t alone.
Use breathwork or grounding techniques before and after the exchange. Even two minutes of focused breathing can help calm your nervous system.
Wear sunglasses to shield your emotional reactions and create a small sense of privacy and control.
Have a self-care plan in place afterward. A calming walk, music, a call with a friend—something that reminds your nervous system that you’re safe now.
Use a recording device, if allowed in your state. It’s not just about protection—it’s about reclaiming your voice through documentation.
And above all, remind yourself of this: it’s not you. It’s the trauma. The chaos is not your fault. You are doing the best you can in an impossible situation.
These moments may continue to be triggering for a while. And that’s okay. There is no shame in that. Healing doesn’t happen on a schedule—it happens in layers. You are not weak for being affected. You are strong for continuing to show up for your children despite it all.
So offer yourself the same compassion you extend to everyone else. There is nothing easy about this—but you’re not alone in it.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
