Why Narcissists Lie About the Little Things
The tangled web that a narcissistic abuser weaves is enough to make anyone feel disoriented. So why all the little lies…the dumb stuff that really doesn’t matter?
Narcissists lie about small, inconsequential things for several reasons.
Narcissistic Abuse: It’s Always About Power & Control
Narcissistic abusers are driven by a need for power and control. One reason for lying about simple things is that manipulating the truth supplies their fragile egos with a feeling of power and dominance over others.
Further, they often lie in their own favor, exaggerating or completely making up details, events—even people—in order to control their image. If they’re in a situation where the truth would (in their perception) cause them to lose credibility, dominance, or power, they will lie in order to save face.
When a person is lying that much, it can become a deeply ingrained habit—to the point that they don’t even realize they’re doing it.
I’ve witnessed this firsthand.
It was 2012 when my ex-husband and I were going through our second child custody evaluation. By this point, I had become very skilled in documentation, and I had spent a full year studying the system—reading case law, analyzing filings, and creating a strategy. When I sat down with the custody evaluator for the second time, he leaned in and said to me, “It’s odd, because it seems like your ex-husband lies, even when there’s no reason to lie.”
I remember the way those words landed. It was a moment of validation in an otherwise exhausting battle. He was absolutely right. My ex-husband would lie to save himself, yes—but more often, the lies were just… bizarre. He would lie about things that had no bearing on the case, things that were so trivial it made no sense. He once claimed he had taken our daughters to a science museum on a specific weekend—except that weekend, they had been sick and home with me the entire time. There was no reason to fabricate that story. No strategy. No gain.
At first, I thought it was just an attempt to paint himself in a good light. But over time, I realized the truth: it wasn’t about that moment or even about me. It was about control. It was about keeping reality slippery enough that no one—myself, the professionals, even our children—could ever fully trust their own perception.
This is the exhausting and dangerous game of smoke and mirrors that survivors of narcissistic abuse are forced to play. It’s not just the big lies that do damage. It’s the dozens of little ones that chip away at your sanity, your sense of reality, and your voice.
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The fine print: I am not qualified to give you (or anyone) legal advice, I recommend consulting with your attorney. Your attorney is your voice and your advocate in the family court system.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor and I am a mom who "gets it.” While acting as my own attorney, I successfully protected my children in a system that is best described as “inhumane,” I am a blogger, a divorce coach and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. You can read more about me here.
