Post Separation Abuse and Abusive Communication
Why leaving an abusive relationship does not end the harm
Many survivors leave abusive relationships believing the hardest part is behind them. What they often encounter instead is something far more disorienting and painful: post separation abuse. Leaving does not always bring safety or peace. In many cases, the abuse simply changes form.
The communication continues and often escalates - mails, texts, court filings, financial threats, subtle accusations, and shifting narratives. What once happened behind closed doors now unfolds in writing, often in ways that are harder for outsiders to recognize as abuse. This phase can feel even more destabilizing because survivors are told they should be “over it,” grateful they got out, relieved it’s done.
But it is not done.
Post separation abuse is often more calculated. The abuser has lost access to direct control, so control is exerted through systems, communication, and manipulation. Survivors are forced to stay engaged through co-parenting, court processes, or shared responsibilities, while being told to remain calm, cooperative, and reasonable.
This is where many survivors begin to doubt themselves.
The messages sound polite on the surface but leave you anxious and unsettled. The contradictions pile up, the blame shifts and the rules change. Over time, you start to question your memory, your reactions, and your instincts. You may feel like you are constantly explaining yourself, defending yourself, or preparing for the next attack.
I know this terrain intimately.
When I left my marriage, I believed separation would bring protection. Instead, it marked the beginning of a different kind of abuse, one that lived in emails, court filings, and carefully crafted communication designed to destabilize and exhaust.
Last year, I was given access to Aimee Says so I could explore and test it myself.
Aimee Says is an AI powered support tool designed for people navigating abusive or high conflict relationships. It offers a private space some survivors use to talk things through, document experiences, and make sense of confusing or destabilizing communication. It is invaluable for survivors, whether they are still in the relationship, or they've made the brave decision to leave.
When I agreed to take a test run of this program, I did not approach it casually. I approached it as someone who has spent over a decade reading, analyzing, and surviving abusive communication.
I went back and entered emails from my ex husband dating all the way back to 2009.
It was emotional, not because I was reliving the relationship, but because of what became clear when everything was laid out together. Patterns that once felt confusing became visible. The manipulation I struggled to articulate made sense. The emotional whiplash had context. What I had been reacting to for years was no longer fragmented.
That clarity took me back to the early days.
At that time, I was incredibly fortunate. My aunt was my rock. She helped me read messages, reality check my responses, and remind me who I was when the communication made me feel small or unstable. Not everyone has that kind of support system. Many survivors navigate post separation abuse completely alone, carrying the emotional and cognitive load by themselves.
This is where a tool like Aimee Says can be meaningful.
Aimee Says is not a replacement for legal support, therapy, or advocacy. It does not provide legal advice, therapeutic support, or predict outcomes. It is a private space that survivors can use to reduce cognitive overload, notice patterns, and organize information over time.
For survivors navigating post separation abuse, that matters.
The hardest part is often not a single incident, but the accumulation. Holding everything in your head. Remembering details. Second guessing whether something counts. Wondering if you are overreacting or missing something important.
Having a place to put things down can reduce that burden.
What stands out to me is that Aimee meets survivors where they are. There is no pressure to label the abuse, diagnose the other person, or take any particular action. Survivors choose whether, how, and when to engage.
I share this resource carefully and intentionally.
If you are in crisis or immediate danger, this is not the right support as legal, therapeutic, and emergency services remain essential. But for those navigating the long, quiet, often invisible work of post separation abuse, some people find value in having a private, self directed space to reflect, process and document.
If this feels supportive, you can explore Aimee Says here.
If you choose to use this resource, I may receive a small referral fee. This helps support our work with survivors. Please know that I would never recommend a product or service, unless I believed in it. I truly believe this program is a game changer for survivors, and I wish I would have had access to something like this during my own journey.
The fine print: I am not an attorney and am not qualified to provide legal advice. Everything I share is based on personal experience and over a decade of work supporting others through high conflict custody battles. However, it is essential to consult with your attorney before making any legal decisions or implementing strategies discussed here. Your attorney is your legal voice and your advocate in the courtroom. They can help you understand the law in your jurisdiction, evaluate potential risks, and determine the best approach for your unique situation.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor, a mom, and someone who understands this battle firsthand. I acted as my own attorney and successfully protected my children in a system that I can only describe as inhumane. I am also a blogger, a certified divorce coach, a best selling author, and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed.
You can read more about me here.
