The Illusion of Co-Parenting With an Abuser
When my high school boyfriend and I ended our six-year relationship, we shared custody of our dog, Cody. He’d drop Cody off on Fridays and pick him up on Sundays. We even had lunch with his grandmother the day we ended our relationship. That was my blueprint for separation. It was civil.
So when my marriage ended, I carried that same hope with me.
At the time, I didn’t understand who I had married. I didn’t understand coercive control or recognize that I had been living under a system of psychological abuse. My ex had never been hands-on as a parent, but part of me was actually relieved that now he would have to step up. I believed we could put them first.
What I didn’t know was that when he lost control over me, he would turn his focus to our daughters—and that the family court system would become his weapon of choice.
While I was trying to co-parent, he was counter-parenting. He was undermining. He was sabotaging. I was working three jobs, acting as my own attorney, and parenting full time. He had the girls about 20 percent of the time, but that time was used to destabilize and retaliate.
If the court order said he had to provide an address of where the girls would be staying during his parenting time, I’d receive three false ones before he gave me the real location.
If the order said he had to return the girls at 6 p.m. on Sunday, I might not hear from him until 8 p.m..
If he knew I had an important work event, he’d cancel his weekend at the last minute.
The behavior was strategic and exhausting. Even worse? The court didn’t care.
I came to learn some harsh truths about family court:
Victim blaming is built into the system.
The unspoken attitude is, “You married him. This is your mess.” Even when you prove patterns of control and psychological abuse, the court often minimizes them or ignores them altogether.The parenting bar is disturbingly low.
Fathers are applauded for showing up. Mothers are scrutinized for everything. As long as a parent has a pulse and delivers a few juice boxes, they are called “involved.”The quality of professionals is a gamble.
Some judges and court professionals lack even basic understanding of abuse. Others are burned out and checked out. Certain individuals are actively harmful or corrupt. It’s a terrifying mix.
I’m not someone who seeks conflict. I lose sleep over it. I went into this separation hoping for civility. The reality, however, was that you cannot co-parent with someone whose goal is not the well-being of the children. You cannot co-parent with someone who uses the court system to punish and control.
You shouldn’t have to co-parent with an abuser.
Yet the truth is, the court expects you to.
When people say to me, “You can’t co-parent with an abuser,”
my response is: You’re right. But you don’t have a choice.
If you are in family court, you must present as a healthy co-parent—or you will pay the price. The court does not know your story. It only knows what is placed in front of them. Perception often outweighs truth.
This means:
Choosing your battles carefully
Documenting everything without reacting
Keeping your side of the street clean
Speaking and writing with strategy, not emotion
Resisting every attempt to provoke you into looking “high conflict”
This is not fair. It should not be required. But this is the current reality of the system.
I learned this the hard way.
In the beginning, I believed that if I just told the truth, I would be protected. I believed the system would intervene if I showed enough evidence. I believed the abuse would stop once we divorced.
That belief disappeared when I became my own advocate. Not by choice, but by necessity. I could not afford an attorney. While terrifying at the time, I am now grateful. If I had hired someone and placed my hope in them, I may not have learned the system. I may not have become the advocate my children needed. It forced me to show up in a way I never imagined possible.
So I no longer call it co-parenting. Because it never was.
It was illusion. It was survival.
This story is not shared to discourage. It is shared to prepare. If you are walking this path, please know you are not alone. You are not crazy. Your exhaustion is valid.
You shouldn’t have to co-parent with an abuser.
If the court is forcing you to do so, focus on your side of the street.
Document everything.
Stay grounded in your truth.
Protect your peace.
