Post Separation Abuse
by Tina Swithin
Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical abuse. Duringthe relationship, domestic violence can be physical abuse, verbal abuse,emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse. Whenthe relationship ends, the abuse does not stop, it just transitions to a new formof abuse referred to as post-separation abuse.
Post-separation abuse continues to escalate and often, farsurpasses the DV that victims are subjected to while under the same roof as theirabuser. After the relationship ends, the perpetrator sets their sights on thechild(ren) to exert control and, to terrorize the healthy parent. Everyhigh-conflict custody battle has three basic narratives: the abuser’s need forcontrol, the abuser’s need to “win” and, the abuser’s desire to hurt or punish thehealthy parent.
While there are many resources available to victims of DV during the relationship, the only resource available to victims of post-separation abuse is the Family Court System itself (judges, mediators, minor’s counsel, custody evaluators, therapists, co-parenting counselors, parenting coordinators and attorneys). Post-separation abuse does not just affect the victim, it has both immediate and long-lasting effects on children resulting in high adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACE’s, a term used to describe any traumatic event during childhood such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse or even an environment that undermines a child’s sense of bonding or stability. The ACE Study (The Center for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente) should be the courtroom bible for judges and other family court professionals who are tasked with the responsibility of acting in the best interest of children.
What is Post Separation Abuse?
Counter-Parenting:Undermining the healthy parent, disrupting the child’s sleep schedule onpurpose, withholding important information, contradicting established rules,eating patterns and/or routines. It’s using the children as pawns to spy orgather information. Ignoring school responsibilities, projects and homework tocreate chaos and discord for the healthy parent. It’s using the parentingschedule as a weapon and, forcing parenting time schedules even when they arenot in the best interest of the child.
Neglectful and Abusive Parenting or Co-Parenting: Exposing children to age-inappropriate television shows, experiences,movies and video games. It’s exposing children to toxic situations or toxicpeople. It’s using violence, intimidation, manipulation, fear-based tactics andridicule to gain compliance from children. It’s manipulating the children usingtheir wants, needs, fears, and feelings to hurt, tease, and control. It’sattempting to turn them against their healthy parent, also known as domesticviolence by proxy. It’s blaming your child’s anxiety or emotional issues ontoyou by stating that you are too enmeshed or, that you are transferring your ownanxiety onto the child.
Isolation:Destroying your social capital such as family, friends, your child’s teacher, orother community relationships by spreading lies and rumors in an effort toisolate and publicly damage you or your reputation. It’s painting a false portraitor narrative of you, typically that you are unstable, mentally unbalanced, promiscuous,dysfunctional, or dishonest.
Harassment, Stalking and Intimidation: Sending an overwhelming number of emails (or messages) ina week, most of which are manipulative, threatening or blatantly abusive. Sendingan exhausting and delusional ten-paragraph email that was crafted with the solepurpose of bringing you pain or, creating a false narrative for the court. It’sdestroying possessions such as your children’s toys or clothing and making it seemlike an innocent mistake. Its unfairly portraying you to be a micro-managingparent or a helicopter parent.
Discarding:Leaving the children with family members, or other childcare providers becausethe harsh reality is that parenting duties are tedious to an abuser and requireselflessness, which they are incapable of. The abuser would rather pay someoneto care for the children than to allow the healthy parent to be with thechildren because the abuser knows this will inflict pain.
Legal Abuse:Using the family court system as a weapon to destroy the healthy parent. It is donewith malicious intent and includes intimidation, false narratives and lies. Itoften results in financial devastation created by uneven playing fields.
FinancialAbuse: Controlling, withholding ormismanaging support payments or reimbursements. It’s blocking access tofinancial resources and interfering with the healthy parent’s ability to work,find employment or get ahead. It’s financial games and deception designed tofinancially destroy the healthy parent.
If you are interested in printing one of our Post Separation Abuse wheels to distribute to your local courthouse (many have public bulletin boards), your local DV shelter, or coffee shops or other community bulletin boards, please click here and print. It takes a village to educate those around us and, those who are tasked with deciding the fate of a child.