How Can I Feel Attractive After Narcissistic Abuse? A Survivor’s Guide to Reclaiming Self-Worth
Narcissistic abusers are notorious for draining victims of self-esteem and positive self-image.
This abuse is insidious because of how subtly victims begin to internalize the abuser’s criticism, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and comparisons.
We find ourselves thinking:
“I am not enough.”
“I am not beautiful.”
“I am nothing.”
The abuser’s lies work their way into our minds until they sound like our own voice….but they are not. Reclaiming your truth is absolutely possible, and empowering.
Narcissistic Abusers Put You Down to Elevate Themselves
Just like bullies on the playground, narcissistic abusers attack the physical appearance of others, subtly or overtly, to make themselves feel big by making the victim feel small. It is never really about the victim, it is about the abuser’s need to claim power and control.
My Own Experience of Being Torn Down
Before getting into a relationship with my narcissistic ex husband, I had spent over a year working on myself in therapy and in many other ways. For the first time in my life, I felt confident in my body and in who I was as a person. I remember feeling strong and proud of the progress I had made.
In reflection, I can see clearly how he slowly dismantled that confidence. It started subtly with backhanded comments, sarcasm, and “jokes.” Whenever I reacted or pushed back, I would hear, “Don’t be so sensitive, that’s not what I meant.”
I sometimes think of it as boot camp but with a critical difference. In boot camp, you sign up voluntarily and you know they will break you down to build you back up into something stronger. In my relationship with a narcissist, he broke me down and then broke me down more, until I did not even recognize myself.
I was criticized for what I ate. He would give me books on fitness and how to get the perfect abs. In public, he would point out women he deemed overweight and tell me how disgusting it was that they “let themselves go.” These were not comments about strangers, they were warnings about what would make me unlovable.
It worked. Even after leaving the relationship, I carried those words like scars.
I Internalized the Abuse: How Do I Feel Beautiful Again?
When the narcissistic abuser’s messages have hijacked your mind, you can begin reclaiming your self-image and self-esteem with intentional, compassionate baby steps.
Shush the negative voice immediately. When your inner critic says anything unkind about your appearance, redirect your thoughts. You can even say “shush” out loud if it helps.
Wear clothes that feel comfortable, not restrictive or punishing. If you cannot afford new clothes, consider visiting your local thrift store and double bonus if it is a thrift store that benefits survivors of domestic abuse.
Speak gently and kindly to yourself in the mirror. Even if it feels unnatural at first, try saying, “I am beautiful today and every day.”
Invite a safe friend or family member to write you a letter. Let them know you are struggling with self-image and ask them to describe how they see you. Keep this letter for the days you need a reminder of how you are seen through the eyes of love.
Adding My Own Steps That Helped
Part of my own healing meant choosing to unfollow or avoid things that made me feel unworthy, like certain social media accounts or unrealistic beauty standards. I surrounded myself with people who valued me for my heart and mind, not my weight or my body.
I learned to listen for the old tape in my head, the one that repeated his cruel words and to consciously reject it. Sometimes that meant journaling. Sometimes it meant therapy. Often it meant just pausing long enough to tell myself, “That is not my voice. That is his.”
Reclaiming Your Truth
Narcissistic abuse takes a massive toll on how we see ourselves—but for a while. Healing is not instant, but it is absolutely possible.
If you are reading this and you feel broken, unlovable, or unattractive, know this: You are not broken. You were wounded. Those wounds can heal. You really are beautiful, and it was never okay for anyone to make you believe otherwise.
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Divorcing a narcissist? You’re in the right place.
The fine print: I am not an attorney and am not qualified to provide legal advice. Everything I share is based on personal experience and over a decade of work supporting others through high-conflict custody battles. However, it is essential to consult with your attorney before making any legal decisions or implementing strategies discussed here. Your attorney is your legal voice and your advocate in the courtroom. They can help you understand the law in your jurisdiction, evaluate potential risks, and determine the best approach for your unique situation.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I’m a survivor, a mom, and someone who understands this battle firsthand. I acted as my own attorney and successfully protected my children in a system that I can only describe as inhumane. I’m also a blogger, a certified divorce coach, a best-selling author, and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist—and I prevailed.
You can read more about me here.
