Divorcing a Narcissist and Reclaiming Your Pace After the Holidays

January arrives after the chaos of December…like a soft landing you cannot quite trust. Survivors who are divorcing a narcissist or navigating family court with a narcissist experience a crash after the holidays. The pace drops. The noise quiets. Your body tries to slow down, but your mind keeps sprinting. It is confusing, unsettling…and very common.

My therapist calls me “trauma busy.” It is an unpleasantly accurate label. For years, I believed it was a strong work ethic. Extraordinary. Five gold stars. Apparently, it is not a personality trait. It is a trauma response. Many survivors of post separation abuse live in this space. When you have lived in fight or flight for long stretches of time, slowing down does not feel safe. Your system convinces you that everything will unravel the second you stop running.

January challenges that pattern. The slower rhythm of the season feels foreign at first. Survivors are used to operating on level ten, managing moving parts, anticipating explosions, documenting everything, and staying two steps ahead in a high conflict custody battle. It becomes a way of life, even when the crisis moment has passed.

Then January steps in and says, “Breathe.”

The trouble is that breathing feels far more vulnerable than staying busy.

I remember once telling my therapist that I was simply incapable of meditation. My exact words were, “My brain can not do that. I’ve tried.” Her response was a gentle dagger to the heart. She said, “Those who struggle with meditation are the ones who need it most.” Ouch. Point taken. That moment taught me something important. Rest is a skill. Slowing down is a skill. Allowing stillness is a skill. None of them come naturally when you are healing after trauma, and after divorcing a narcissist.

January invites us to relearn the idea of pace. Winter is slow for a reason. Nature pulls inward. Trees conserve energy. Roots rest. Nothing blossoms because blossoming requires resources you simply do not have in this season. Survivors navigating family court often expect themselves to function at full capacity every single day. Yet winter reminds us that nothing in nature thrives without periods of intentional slowness.

This month encourages you to pause long enough to notice how you feel, what you need, and what you carry. It encourages you to reconnect with yourself after weeks or years of disconnect. Reflection may feel foreign at first because you have been focused outward for so long. Outward at the court. Outward at the narcissist. Outward at the crisis of the moment. January asks you to focus inward.

You may notice guilt rising when you sit still.

You may feel discomfort when you stop multitasking.

You may hear the internal voice that says you should be doing more, fixing more, planning more. That voice is not truth. That voice is survival mode trying to hold onto its job. You are allowed to reclaim a different pace this month. You may have to take the reins and be intentional about it.

This slow season is not about doing nothing. It is about doing less. It is about letting your mind and spirit match the season instead of fighting it. You are not falling behind. You are recalibrating. You are learning to exist in a way that is not dictated by crisis. You are honoring the truth that you are more than the battle you are fighting. You are refueling.

January is not a reset button; it is an invitation…a quiet one. A gentle one. A needed one.

May you give yourself permission to take it.

The fine print:

I am not an attorney and I am not qualified to provide legal advice. Everything I share is based on personal experience and over a decade of work supporting others through high conflict custody battles. It is essential to consult with your attorney before making any legal decisions or implementing strategies discussed here. Your attorney is your legal voice and your advocate in the courtroom. They can help you understand the law in your jurisdiction, evaluate potential risks, and determine the best approach for your unique situation.

About me:

My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor, a mom, and someone who understands this battle firsthand. I acted as my own attorney and successfully protected my children in a system that I can only describe as inhumane. I am also a blogger, a certified divorce coach, a best selling author, and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed. You can read more about me here. If you'd like to know my full story, you can read: Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle.