Cycle Breakers and Cycle Makers: The Courage to Build What You Never Had
When I left my marriage, I knew I was breaking a cycle of abuse. What I did not understand yet was that I was also beginning to make new cycles. Healthy cycles. Brave cycles. Patterns of truth, safety, and boundaries that my children could stand on long after the courtroom lights went dark.
Breaking is survival. Making is creation. Both are courage.
Cycle breaking begins the moment you decide that dysfunction ends with you. Cycle making begins when you choose what comes next. It is the quiet work of building a life that does not yet exist, one choice at a time.
Breaking vs making
Breaking ends the harm. Making designs the future.
Breaking demands courage and clarity. Making requires intention and steadiness.
There is a lot of noise around survivors. People love to applaud the dramatic act of leaving. Fewer understand the long work that follows. Cycle making is what your kids will remember. It is what your nervous system will rest on. It is the difference between living in reaction and living by design.
The fog and the lens
In the early days after leaving, many of us move through a fog. We are exhausted, flooded, and still disentangling from a distorted reality. As the fog lifts, family court can try to pull us back into another kind of distortion, the same but different. That is institutional betrayal. It can make you question your memory, your instincts, and your worth.
Seeing clearly is not the end of hope. Seeing clearly is the beginning of survival and strategy. When you can name the reality in front of you, you can begin to build what you and your children need next.
You are making new cycles even when it feels like you are barely holding it together.
Boundaries: Every time you hold a limit, you teach your children that self respect is normal.
Truth: Every time you choose facts over chaos, you model integrity.
Regulation: Every time you pause before responding, you show that calm can be chosen, not forced.
Community: Every time you reach for people who understand this path, you replace isolation with connection.
Strategy is a form of healing
There is a myth that healing is soft and strategy is hard. In reality, they work best together. When you understand the system, you reduce fear. When you reduce fear, your nervous system can settle. When you are steadier, you make better strategic choices. This loop builds power.
Tools for cycle makers
Cycle making thrives on simple, repeatable practices. Start with what you can carry.
Documentation you can maintain
Build a timeline. Keep communications short and factual. Assume every message could be read aloud in court. Consistency creates credibility. If you are struggling to create a timeline or a documentation system, check out our online course at www.therulebookacademy.com.Daily reminders of worth
Sometimes the smallest touchpoints are the most powerful. Find a mantra or an affirmation that speaks to you and breathe. Repeat the truth that anchors you.Community that understands this language
Find people who know the terrain. In the darkest days of my case, the only voices that grounded me were from those who had lived it. Community does not fix the system, but it keeps you steady inside it.Rituals that build regulation
Five minute walks. A cup of tea before you open your inbox. A weekly check in with a trusted friend. Quiet structure calms the body, and a calmer body makes better choices.
Lifting your vision
When the day to day feels relentless, it is easy to live only in reaction. Cycle makers lift their vision. They choose their battles with intention. They protect resources on purpose.
This is critical for everyone in family court, and even more critical if your family has financial resources. The system will drain a well that is not guarded. Protect your finances and your focus by choosing your battles wisely. Simplify wherever you can. Choose actions that move the record forward and protect your child, not actions that only vent your pain into the file.
There is a quiet legacy to this work. Maybe your children will never know the version of you who walked on eggshells. Maybe they will simply grow up inside a home where truth is steady, boundaries are normal, and love is not conditional. That is cycle making. It is not loud. It is faithful.
You are building what you needed, and offering it to the people you love most. That is not just leaving something behind. That is beginning something that did not exist before.
If you want help building
If you are ready to deepen the strategic side of your foundation, the courses at The Rulebook Academy will meet you where you are and move with you one step at a time.
Explore courses: https://www.therulebookacademy.com
You are not only ending something. You are beginning something worthy. You are both the breaker and the builder.
The fine print: I am not an attorney and am not qualified to provide legal advice. Everything I share is based on personal experience and over a decade of work supporting others through high conflict custody battles. However, it is essential to consult with your attorney before making any legal decisions or implementing strategies discussed here. Your attorney is your legal voice and your advocate in the courtroom. They can help you understand the law in your jurisdiction, evaluate potential risks, and determine the best approach for your unique situation.
About me: My name is Tina Swithin. I am a survivor, a mom, and someone who understands this battle firsthand. I acted as my own attorney and successfully protected my children in a system that I can only describe as inhumane. I am also a blogger, founder of the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program, best selling author (Divorcing a Narcissist), and a fierce advocate for reform in the family court system. I divorced a narcissist and I prevailed.
