Behind Every Narcissist: The Enabling Mother

I was scrolling through my phone this week when a memory surfaced on Facebook. It was the five year anniversary of my ex brother-in-law being found guilty on all but one count lodged against him. The conviction covered 52 counts, including multiple sex crimes against child victims ranging in age from one to thirteen-years old. He had also secretly recorded dozens of victims. I believe this barely scratches the surface of his reign of terror - the convictions were just the things he was caught doing.

I remember where I was when I got the news of his arrest. I remember the sick, sinking feeling of pieces falling into place. Protecting my children from my ex brother-in-law was truly the crux of my custody battle. His arrest was not validation that I wanted, it rocked me to my core. The reality of who he was…it was a million times worse than what I imagined and I knew he was a monster so that says a lot.

In the months that followed, his mother wrote a letter to his criminal defense attorney. He later submitted it to the court as evidence of his character.

It is the kind of letter a mother writes when she believes, with her whole heart, that the world has misunderstood her son. I understand the impulse to believe in your child but this letter was written with full knowledge of the accusations he was facing, not to mention, many years of red flags and warnings. After the search warrant was executed (in the home she shared with her son), they found 3 terabytes of images and videos of children, material he had captured himself. She wrote the letter anyway. When I re-read it recently, through the lens of fifteen years of advocacy work, I saw it with entirely different eyes.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

In fifteen years of working with survivors navigating family court, one of the most consistent dynamics I encounter is this: behind many of the most difficult, high-conflict abusers in custody cases, there is an enabling mother.

Not every case. Not a universal rule. But often enough that when a survivor tells me their ex seems to have someone in the background propping up the narrative, shaping the story, vouching for him in court filings and declarations, I already have a good idea of who that person is.

She shows up in declarations. She writes letters to attorneys. She attends hearings. She pulls family members together to present a unified front. She is typically the director of impression management - for the entire dysfunctional family.

The enabling mother is not always a malicious actor. Some are genuinely blind to who their son is. Some have been manipulated themselves. Some know more than they let on and have chosen to protect the family story over the truth. What they share is this: they become extensions of the abusive system. When they step into family court, they do not arrive as neutral third parties. They arrive carrying the same distorted narrative their son has built, and they present it with the authority of a mother who has known him his whole life. Courts can find that compelling.

Narcissistic traits do not emerge in a vacuum. The research consistently points to early childhood environments where a child learned that their worth was tied to performance, appearance, or the management of a parent's emotions. The enabling mother is often someone who saw her child's grandiosity and called it confidence. Who saw his lack of empathy and called it strength. Who intervened every time consequences loomed, teaching him that she would always clean up the mess. She may have been a devoted mother in the most genuine sense of the word, and still have built the architecture of his entitlement, brick by brick, over decades. By the time he reaches adulthood and eventually family court, she is not just his mother. She is his oldest and most practiced enabler.

In family court, this enabling role takes on a formal shape. She submits declarations vouching for his character and parenting, often with emotional language designed to reframe documented concerns as overreactions or fabrications. She frames the protective parent as unstable, vindictive, or “alienating.” She requests to be named a chaperone or approved supervisor. She positions herself as a reasonable, credentialed, trustworthy voice, sometimes leaning on professional titles or community standing to add weight to her words. She uses language that sounds balanced on the surface, acknowledging small flaws while burying significant ones, in a way that reads as fair but functions as cover.

Judges and evaluators who are not familiar with these dynamics can be swayed. A well-spoken grandmother with a calm demeanor can carry significant weight in a proceeding where the protective parent is already worn down and emotionally reactive. This is one of the reasons I always tell survivors: document everything.

The Narc Decoder: A Mother's Letter

What follows is a real letter written by my ex mother-in-law to a criminal defense attorney, on behalf of her eldest son, following his arrest. He would go on to be sentenced to over 280 years in prison crimes that were labeled as, "dastardly" by the sentencing judge.

I am sharing this letter because it is one of the clearest examples of enabling-mother language I have ever seen. It follows the pattern almost perfectly. When you know what to look for, every paragraph reveals itself.

This is what the Narc Decoder is for.

Background:

This letter was written by my ex mother-in-law to her son's criminal defense attorney in the months following his arrest. She was present when officers executed the search warrant on their shared home and seized countless images and videos of children that he had captured himself. What follows is her letter, in full, with names redacted to protect the minor children referenced in the document.

Original Message:

Dear [attorney],

I don't know about client/attorney privilege, and I don't know if I should even be doing this. I do know that, thus far, you have been the only glimmer of light in Jason's life. He trusts you and respects you, and if there is any hope at all in these gut-wrenching times, you have given it to him. I know now that the 'evidence' against him may be pretty damning...and I want you to be able to see the 'real Jason.' I just want you to know Jason as I know him.

He is the eldest of our four sons. His brothers have always looked up to him, and he has been there for each of them on numerous occasions.

Some years ago, when he was in his early twenties and just starting out, his father had lost his job, and his grandfather, who lived with us, had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. It was Christmas. We were not going to have much of one. Jason showed up on Christmas Eve with gifts for everyone: bikes for his little brothers, a stereo for the family, a Christmas tree, and mountain bikes for his dad and me.

He is an incredibly hard worker, and a perfectionist in his carpentry and construction craft.

He is fiercely loyal and very black and white about things.

He is not well-organized in his personal life, terrible at paying bills and taxes as he should, and a bit of a rebel. He'd call it being a 'cowboy.'

He is generous to a fault. He was constantly underpaying himself so his workers would get a little more. He'd send workers out on a job that he could do himself to help them, although it often lessened his own income.

He loves his son [redacted] more than life itself. You have to meet this little boy. And he loves [redacted] as well and has been a good father figure to him despite language and cultural differences.

He is an introvert, but loves people and loves to party.

This year, the day before Father's Day, he took [redacted] and [redacted] and bought them fishing poles. On Father's Day, they left at 6 am and spent the day rock fishing. The only thing they caught was a crab. But he said that was the best way to celebrate Father's Day, to be with his boys.

He was baptized, raised Catholic, attended Catholic elementary, middle and high school. He knows right from wrong. He knows better.

He was captain of his football team, student body president, and has been in charge of his high school reunions.

He is a gifted writer, and used to write amazing poetry.

He never finished college, which he regrets although he won't tell you that. He began working at the age of 12 with a paper route and has done so ever since.

To my knowledge, there is nothing in his past that would explain this addiction to pornography, particularly child pornography. Now that this has come to light, I truly believe that this is a mental illness and he needs therapeutic help. He has had episodes of depression, untreated. He is severely depressed now. Please understand: I don't condone or excuse his behavior. I am heartsick about it. I just know, as mothers know, that this is not who he is.

And one more thing: We purchased our home just last fall after leasing it for three years. My husband has not worked for six years. I've put everything I earned living and working in [redacted] alone for six years into this home. It is meant to be a forever family home, with plenty of room for Jason, [redacted] and their boys in a separate wing, and my husband and I in our wing. Although the home is in our name, Jason contributes approximately $2,500-$3,000 a month to the mortgage and bills. He is in our living trust as the person who will take over the home once we're gone.

Sadly, my husband is beginning to show signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. Without Jason for an extended period, I will not be able to afford or maintain the home. My husband and I will quite literally lose everything.

I know this is not your problem at all; it is our reality. If there is any possibility of plea bargaining, therapy, residential treatment, probation, a bracelet, working at a minimum wage while building homes for Habitat or homeless shelters, community service, restitution, please.

Jason does not know I've written this.

[Jason’s Mom]

"Snap, fizzle, pop" and out comes the decoded message:

Dear [attorney],

I know I probably should not be contacting you directly, but I need you to like my son before you read the evidence against him. You are our only hope right now, and I need you invested in the outcome.

Jason is our eldest. His brothers have always looked up to him, which tells you something about the kind of family we are. We are a really amazing family, and I would love to get this “little issue“ cleared up. Hoping you can help because while I am highly skilled at impression management, this one's a little bigger than I can handle.

I want to tell you a story about Christmas, because I need you to see him the way I see him. (Please think of your favorite Christmas song playing in the background.) When he was young and our family was struggling, he showed up and saved the holiday. He bought gifts for everyone. I need that image of him, the generous son, the provider, to be the one that stays with you. Are you with me so far?

He is a hard worker and takes pride in what he builds. I want you picturing a craftsman, not a criminal. Let’s just visualize lumber and sawhorses…not children and pedophilia.

He is loyal to the people he needs something from. He will be incredibly loyal to you - just wait and see.

He is disorganized, bad with money, and does not always follow the rules. I am telling you this myself so it sounds like honesty rather than a red flag. He calls himself a cowboy. I need you to find that charming. Do you like cowboys? Country music?

He gives more than he takes at work. He underpays himself so others can have more. Isn’t that sweet? Such a giver. I am asking you to hold this image of him in mind when you review whatever it is they found. Details, details.

He loves children…I mean, err…he loves his children. He is a good father figure even across language and cultural barriers. I need that sentence to carry more weight than the evidence does. Pay no attention to the fact that he purchased his wife from another country - and treats her horribly.

He took his boys fishing on Father's Day. They woke up at six in the morning and spent the whole day together. They only caught a crab. He said it was the best Father's Day he could imagine. I am giving you this image of him as a father because I need you to hold it alongside everything else you are about to learn. Isn’t this sweet? Do you want to see family photos? Would that help?

He knows right from wrong. He was raised in the church. He went to Catholic school his entire childhood. I need you to believe that what happened is not who he is. This is just a bump in the road.

Oh, and did I mention he was captain of the football team? Student body president? He selflessly still organizes his high school reunions. He wrote poetry. Do you like poetry? Maybe he can write you a poem? He worked from the age of twelve. I am building the resume of a good man here, so please keep up.

Now, about the child pornography. I have to acknowledge it because I cannot exactly pretend you have not seen the files or the charging document although, I wish I would have gotten ahead of those things. I need you to think of it as an addiction, a mental illness, a cry for help from a depressed man who got lost somewhere along the way. The word "choice" is not going to work for us here, so we will be using "illness" instead. He is not a predator. He is a patient. I just know, as mothers know. Can we agree on that and move forward? Put the legalities behind us?

One more thing, and I promise I am almost done. This is the most important part: We bought a house. I worked abroad for six years to pay for it. My husband has not worked in six years and is now losing his memory… convenient timing. Jason pays the mortgage. He is in our living trust. Without him, we lose everything. I know this is not your problem, but I need the weight of that to sit somewhere in your mind while you consider his options. We have worked too hard and come too far to lose it all over three terabytes of evidence.

I am asking for anything. A plea. Therapy. Probation. An ankle bracelet. Community service building homes for people who deserve them. Broccoli for dinner (he hates broccoli)? Anything that is not prison. Anything that keeps our family image intact - and our mortgage paid.

He does not know I wrote this. I want that detail to make me seem like a mother who would do anything for her son. Absolutely anything to protect my image and mortgage. The irony of that statement, given what he did to other people's children, is not lost on me. But here we are.

[Jason's Mom]

###

This letter is a masterclass in the enabling-mother playbook, and it is worth reading slowly. She opens by flagging her own uncertainty about contacting the attorney, which frames everything that follows as an act of sacrifice rather than strategy. She is a devoted mother stepping outside proper channels because love compelled her to. Notice how that framing does its work before she has said a single thing about her son.

She then builds a character portrait, and the first thing she does is name his flaws herself. He is disorganized. Terrible with bills. A rebel. By volunteering these shortcomings, she controls which flaws get acknowledged. The ones she selects are harmless, even charming. He calls himself a cowboy. Lawlessness reframed as personality.

The quotation marks around the word "evidence" are doing significant work. She is not saying he is innocent. She is signaling to the attorney that the evidence is something to be questioned or overcome, not something to be reckoned with honestly. This is one of the most common moves in the enabling playbook: concede that the situation looks bad, then immediately pivot to character as the counterweight.

His generosity toward workers is offered as proof of who he really is. This is a character-by-proxy argument: look at how he treats people who depend on him, and you will know his true nature. What this carefully omits is that surface-level generosity and predatory behavior are not mutually exclusive. Many abusers are beloved in their professional circles. The charm and the harm coexist.

And then the closing. He was baptized. He attended Catholic school from elementary through high school. He knows right from wrong. He knows better. She intended this as her strongest defense. A man who knows right from wrong and does wrong anyway is not a man who made a mistake. He is a man who made a choice, with full awareness.

If you have ever sat across from a family court professional and watched your ex's mother deliver a polished, tearful account of what a wonderful father and person her son is, this letter may feel uncomfortably familiar. The language follows a pattern. It acknowledges small flaws to appear credible. It uses professional standing or community ties as character evidence. It reframes harm in euphemism. It positions the abuser as misunderstood, surrounded by people who do not know the 'real' him and it does all of this with the emotional authority of a mother's love, which is one of the most persuasive forces in a courtroom (unless of course, you are a mother trying to protect your own child).

Knowing the pattern is protection. When you can name what you are seeing in real time, you are less likely to be destabilized by it. You can document it, flag it with your attorney, and help your legal team understand what is actually happening on that witness stand or in that declaration.

Your Turn: Submit for the Second Edition

The Narc Decoder began as a way to help survivors make sense of the communications they receive from their abusers. The second edition is expanding to include a new category: the supporting cast. Mothers-in-law, step-mothers, family members, and others who show up in the court arena on behalf of the abuser.

If you have a declaration, letter, email, or other written communication from your ex's mother or another family member that you would like considered for inclusion, I want to hear from you.

What to submit:

A copy or typed transcription of the communication, with any identifying details removed (names, locations, case numbers).

How to submit:

[Click here] and select, "submissions" in the upper right hand corner.

Tina Swithin is the founder of One Mom's Battle, The Rulebook Academy, and the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program. She is the author of the Divorcing a Narcissist series and has been an advocate for family court reform for over fifteen years.