A Fathers’ Nightmare
A few years ago, I received a call from my son-in-law asking me out to lunch. It felt a bit odd as it was not normal for us to meet up during the week to socialize. My wife had always encouraged me to connect more with him but the truth was, I was never that fond of him. I suppressed my feelings and never told anyone. I couldn’t really put my finger on the issue nor could I articulate my feelings and most importantly, I did not want my daughter to know how I felt about her husband. Over the years, I had taken him hunting and we shared many meals while we were together and while seeing my grandkids. I consider myself to be a good judge of character when it comes to friends and acquaintances however, I always had an uneasiness about my son-in-law.
So, I met him for lunch the next week. Shortly in tolunch he told me, “I feel really strange telling you this Bob, but I believeKathy is having an affair” I appeared shocked and concerned but I knew that hewas trying to deflect any suspicions about him. It was as if someone shot mebecause I immediately knew it was not her – it was him! I am in the “peoplebusiness” and when I smell a rat – I smell a rat! If it walks like a duck,quacks like a duck and looks like a duck – it’s a duck! However, not to alert himto what I already knew, I told him I felt bad for him and would probably hire aPI to watch her and if I discovered that anything was amiss, I would let himknow. He agreed and seemed comforted.
At the time this started, they had been married 11years. My daughter was 31 and her kids at that time were 7 and 6 – boy andgirl. My son in law was 32. I knew my daughter and her values but even morethan that, she was raising the two kids, was a full-time teacher and a coach ather school. She barely had time to get to the gym 3 times a week. I confided inmy daughter about my suspicions and she told me she felt the same way, so wedevised a plan.
I travel a lot, but my trips are usually no more than2-3 days. A lot of the time I depart early and get in late. She told me aftershe put the kids to bed, he often left to go to his brothers or his mom’s housewhich was very close, but he would not come home to very late like 3-4 AM. So,when I would get in late from my trips Kathy would let me know and I wouldfollow my son-in-law. Turns out he was having an affair with a formerbarhop/waitress that he had hired in his office. She was very young, she had nokids and had her own apartment, so she could give him the attention he thoughthe needed. He thought he had it all – a family and a wife to control, a veryattentive girlfriend and someone he could control both at work and as a lover. Eventhough my daughter had visited with her kids in his office several times andmet this girl, she still had an affair with him. I struggle to understand how awoman can tear another woman’s family apart and give it no consideration. Withall of the women’s empowerment movements that are in place today, I find myselfbaffled.
I continued to follow them weekly, late at night, allaround town. I started taking pictures. One time I was across the street from abar they were at and I asked my daughter to call him and ask where he was. Idirected her to ask him if he was having an affair. She did as instructed andhe stepped out of the bar to take her call. She asked him those questions andhe said, “I’m out with a prospect and on the life of my kids I am not having anaffair!” After they hung up from their call, he walked back in and startedkissing his mistress again. Drinking beer, playing pool and kissing likenothing had ever happened. I followed them several more times for a couplemonths and then found a family divorce attorney, moved my daughter out and startedproceedings. He continued to deny the affair and would not agree to anything,nor would he pay child support. He was adamant about staying in control!
My daughter and I agreed to use the attorney to set upmediation. My daughter was well prepared with his calls and texts printed outfrom correspondence to his mistress and I had all the pictures ready. He wouldnot agree to anything, especially full custody and child support, until weshowed him our stack of information which stood over 4” high. I let him knowthat I would be mailing packets to everyone he knows, including his familymembers unless he agreed to everything. He was always all about himself andwhat things looked like to other people. He only cares about his image. Healways had to have new clothes, a great truck, pretty wife and perfect kids. Hehad to make sure everyone knew who he was and what he had done. He would alwaysswear that he hated liars and despised people that cheated, stole or lied. However,when I told him what I was going to do with the information we had, he started sweatingthinking about the affect this would have on him. Within 3-5 minutes, he agreed with everything we asked forincluding the child support. My daughter received full custody and full childsupport.
After the separation and during thedivorce proceedings, we paid for my daughter and both kids to have somecounseling sessions with a Christian family counselor. The husband wentnuts wanting to know why and wanting to know what was said and even insisted onmeeting with the counselor. After a couple months with all four, separately ofcourse, she stated that my ex-son-in-law was likely a narcissist. That was thefirst time we had heard the word but it started us on our path to education. Boydid this information change our world!
It’s been several years ago now. While married to mydaughter he went through 8 jobs in about 9 years. He was caught trying to stealmoney a couple times and while he got out of jail time, he was terminated. Heis the posterchild of a narcissist and today it’s still all about him. As soonas the divorce was finalized he moved the mistress into his house. She is about10 years younger than my daughter but not as smart or as pretty. Since mydaughter now has the kids, he still tries to control everything. He texts mydaughter, several times a day, trying to get what he wants or control what thekids can do. My daughter has read many books on narcissism but still has issuestrying to control the noise around his continuous assault of her, her time, orthe kids and their overall privacy.
He continuously tries to get close to my daughters’ friendsand especially the kid’s friends and their parents. It reminds me of thetactics and manipulation that he tried to use on me. Anything he can do to movecloser and control their lives, he does. Now they are older and starting to gettheir own phones/devices and he constantly texts them. Per the court order, heis able to talk to the kids every morning and every afternoon. He usually tellsthem what he is doing and what he did that day and mostly just ask’s them whatthey had for each meal and what they are having tomorrow. He is and will alwaysbe all about himself! It’s superficial because he isn’t capable of anythingdeeper.
I want to warn all young ladies who are dating towatch for certain things about a guy that may point to him being a narcissist.Educate yourself on this topic. It’s important to understand that theseindividuals have likely been broken since childhood and no matter how much youlove him, he will not change. Pay close attention to actions – not words.Actions are what matters. Pay attention to patterns of behavior – small redflags turn into HUGE red flags. Does he talk only about himself? Does he reallypay attention to what you say? Are material items his main focus? Is he humble(truly humble or is it an act) or does he have a big ego? Does he havelongtime, close friends or are they superficial relationships? Pay attention toeverything that you see when choosing your future mate.
The nightmare for me is what my daughter and her kidshave had to endure and continue to endure with the reality of his daily chaosand baggage. The ongoing damage to my daughter and her kids is painful but sois what my own wife deals with on a daily basis. Our rule is to never say hisname and we do not discuss the issues after 8:00 PM every night. The kidsaren’t crazy about seeing him but they have to go to him every other weekendand the mistress is now his wife (until he gets a new mistress). We trulybelieve if his current, second wife, gets pregnant he again will not get theattention he needs and find someone else.
It feels like a never-ending nightmare. He has nowmoved much closer and is trying to get shared custody and the family courtsystem is absurd. The family attorneys that we have dealt with in Texas havebeen terrible. We have had 6 and fired 6. They want a lot of money but neverfollow up and never seem capable of delivering results. The court judges arestacked and dive no weight to this man’s character or destructive behaviors.
Despite all of this, we have adapted and accepted ournew reality, and each day, my daughter tries to persevere. We have forgiven myson-in-law of his cheating, lies and theft. We cordially speak to him and tryto speak to the other woman. My daughter still, daily, has to deal with his twophone calls to the kids, and constant harassment about “why she did this andthat” and “why he can’t do this and that, etc.” He continues to try andcontrol, just the way his mommy taught him. We shall live with the outcome.
Inconclusion, I have to say, even with all of the fall out and continued dailydrama of dealing with him that my daughter is much happier than she was whenmarried and is still happy she made the break from the controlling narcissist. Pleasebeware that there is this type of personality and behavior out there today andhe is just waiting for someone that does not know the signs. Please, learn thesigns.
AConcerned Dad (and Grandfather)