I think it’s a tad bit sad that we have to have a National Honesty Day.  It’s the perfect excuse to write about a topic that bewilders me: Narcissists and Lying.

I personally have two levels of honesty:

  • The truth.
  • One margarita and then more truth then you ever wanted to know.

Sorry- just trying to add a bit of humor into a subject that really isn’t humorous to me.  I’ve been told that laughter is the best medicine and I am willing to try anything to maintain my sanity through this process 🙂

As someone who is still learning about Narcissism, honesty (or lack of it) is something that I find myself pondering often.  How can someone lie with such conviction?  How can someone lie without missing a beat.  How can someone tell a lie and then remain calm under pressure when confronted?  How can a person make up an entirely new reality and then appear to actually believe it?

A narcissist can.

When my X and I were dating, he told stories and I believe them. He told me that he grew up surfing at the beach by his house.  I later found out that this wasn’t true- his older brother said he was afraid of the ocean and would go boogie boarding but never surfed.   He owned two surfboards during our ten years together but never used them once.  He often said things like, “Our life is so busy- can’t wait until I can get back into surfing“.

He told me that he was the most popular child in his entire school.  He often bragged about his popularity when intoxicated.  I should have found this suspicious because he had zero childhood friends and made excuses when his high school reunions came up.  I later found out that a fellow classmate described him as “Shy, studious and somewhat reclusive”.  Not at all the child that he had repeatedly described to me.

These examples were more than lies.  There were plenty of those also but these were new realities.  If he didn’t like the actual reality, he would create a new one.  This trait was probably what allowed him to convince banks into giving him one more line of credit or another loan.  He was an expert at creating his own reality despite what was in front of him in plain black and white.

I remember back when we first enrolled in marital counseling together.  The therapist told us that he wanted to see each of us individually after a few sessions together.  During the first couples sessions it became obvious that he was lying over and over again.  I would look at him bewildered and explain the truth to the therapist.  I vividly remember the therapist recanting on his initial request to see us each privately.  His exact words were, “I feel that it would be a waste of my time and your money to see you as an individual because you don’t seem capable of honesty”.  Thus we never went to individual counseling sessions.

My X’s attorney addressed the court at our last hearing by saying that, “He wasn’t exactly lying- he was just telling the court what they wanted to hear”.  By every definition that I can find, that would be called a lie.  The truth is the truth.  My five-year old daughter can comprehend this.

Happy National Honesty Day, everyone!  -Tina


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