heavy heartI am writing with a heavy heart. I am angry, sad, frustrated and afraid. I am sad that the Family Court System repeatedly prevents me from doing what nature intended me to do: protect my young.

When I sat down late last night to update everyone on our current situation, I was actually feeling hopeful.  Given our history and an open police investigation, not to mention an open CWS investigation– I thought that supervised visits until our next hearing on February 5th was a no-brainer. Sadly, I was mistaken.

My ex parte request for supervised visits pending the completion of the parenting evaluation was denied today.  I don’t know why– because it was an emergency hearing, it was all done by paperwork so I was not in the courtroom when the Commissioner ruled.  “Devastated” is the only way to describe my feelings while reading the Commissioner’s verdict.

Prior to each visitation with Seth, I tell my daughters, “Have a great time today!” and when my daughter sends me text messages from her dad’s house I am always quick to say, “I love you too- have a great time and I will see you at 5pm”.  Sometimes it takes everything in me to say those words when I am concerned about their safety but I do it.  Even with everything that has happened, I have tried to encourage their relationship with their father.  I have never uttered a negative thing about Seth to the girls and when they talk to me about him, I am “Quick to listen and slow to speak”.

With the recent news that Seth is hitting my daughters and grabbing their arms/squeezing them….where do I find it in myself to tell them to “have a great time” with their father?  I know that the court expects those words from me or I will be accused of the abusers favorite term: alienation. Even scarier that these recent events took place with other people in the home.  Seth’s mother, Cleo, was upstairs when Seth hurt Piper and after all was said and done, Piper confided in Cleo about the events that transpired.  Cleo’s response: “Let’s figure out a plan so that your dad handles these situations better”.  Yes, let’s do that Cleo.

If I stay true to myself then my gut feelings have never been wrong.  My gut feeling is that there is something very wrong and my daughters are in danger. I am watching his mental health decline as reality creeps in and the anxiety takes over. I’ve lived with this man for almost 10 years and I know the state he is in right now.  With the parenting evaluation on the horizon, this is a time where he should be wearing the cape that says, “Super Dad” — not physically assaulting and threatening two little girls and then forcing them to write all of the positive things that happened during his visit.  His recent behavior tells me that something is really wrong.  The thought of sending my daughters into that madness right now terrifies me to my core.

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