Divorcing a narcissist is no easy feat.  A custody arrangement with one is another story.  Before I knew about NPD or understood it, I would become flabbergasted by each email.  I wondered if I was the crazy one.  I would devote enormous amounts of energy to defending my honor and trying to rationalize with someone who didn’t operate in reality.  Plain and simple: it is a waste of time.

Today I was reminded of those past emails.  I would stay up until midnight trying to respond and make sense of the email attack.  A friend is going through the beginning stages of her custody battle with a similar personality.  She asked me to proof an email that she was writing to him and I felt saddened as I saw her doing the same thing that I use to do.  She was trying to appeal to his human side but the problem is, he doesn’t have a human side or a soft place in his heart.

I restructured her email and took out all of the emotions.  He doesn’t deserve one single emotion from this beautiful lady.  In his sick mind, he derives a great deal of pleasure from knowing that she needs his money.  He would gloat over her email and he would feed off of his accomplishments.  It took me so long to understand this disorder and to flip that emotional switch to “off”.  Emotions should be saved for friends or a journal.  At the zoo, you will find signs that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals”.  That sign applies here also.

Do Not Feed the Narcissist.

If you haven’t been privy to a Narcissistic email, I have an arsenal of them.  I went to my Gmail and found one from two years ago to use as an example:

Tina– I’ll take the one line out you object to on the MC-030 form.  You can see me at 9 am at Starbucks as planned and go to your backwoods wedding in Arkansas. You were a good Mom. You are hyper vigilant. You actually were so perfectionist; you didn’t know how to just relax.  I am a great Dad. That is why the children are super excited to see me but cry incessantly when I have to return them to you after my visitation. It isn’t that they don’t love you too. They just want to be with me every day and you every day. Your using them as a tool to get more money is abominable and disgusting.

You forget so easily.  Who provided everything for you and the girls for seven years.  Who provided ALL THE FOOD, SHELTER, UTILITIES AND TRANSPORTATION for the last nine months. Me. You provided nothing!  You are the most ungrateful person I ever met. Well the “Secret” as you quote will run its course. Good luck with Karma.

Now, you are back to being the same way you were in high school and before I met you, “a relationship junkie”..  Bouncing around to multiple men is what deeply disturbs me given that we have two daughters who will mirror what they see their mother do.  Now you moved to a college apartment which is fine. You got a job…finally after 9 months of riding my coat tails and pulling my shorts off. Maybe you will finally become mentally stable.  We’ll see.  The X

The “old” me would have sat down, cried and tried to reason with him.  I would have tried to explain that the “back woods wedding” was actually in the most gorgeous place I had ever seen.  I would have tried to explain that the girls cry because of the games he plays— leaning in the car and telling them how sad he was going to be.  Trying to make them cry so he could flip on the video camera and capture their tears for court.   I would have reminded him that I had never been with multiple men and that I was with one great person.  I would have lost it over the implication that I never worked– I had worked 60-100 hours a week for years and still worked full time after having kids….and on and on.  These attacks leave a person questioning their own sanity.

Here is what my response would be now that I understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this would have been my response:

Dear X, We will plan to see you at the designated pick up location at 9am.  Thank you- Tina

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