I can be too sensitive-  I know this about myself.

Over the ten years that X and I were together, I slowly learned to muffle my emotions.  Emotions made my X extremely uncomfortable. My biological mother was bi-polar and that was my X’s favorite thing to use against me.  If I cried about something then he was “concerned” that I was going to ‘end up just like her’.  Over time, I became so good at stuffing my emotions deep inside that I refused to cry in his presence.  I did not want to give him any opportunities to throw my mother’s issue into my face.

I lost my Grandfather over the weekend and I opened the floodgates.  In the past, I would have held it in until I was in the safety of a running shower or alone in my car.  Even in the event of something so tragic, I would have contained myself.  I realize now how unhealthy and inhuman this is.  My counselor pulled out a coffee cup and a box of tissues to demonstrate what I was doing.  She began shoving tissues into a cup.  As the cup filled, the tissues began to overflow and were hanging out despite her best attempts to push them down.  It was a good analogy of what I was doing– the plan worked in the beginning but with time I would overflow.

When I got the news of my Grandfather’s passing, I cried uncontrollably and “My Rock” was there to comfort me.  I didn’t feel judged and I didn’t feel the need to hide my emotions in an attempt to protect someone else from feeling uncomfortable about something so human.  It was another reminder of how thankful I am to be in a healthy, loving environment where I can be myself– happy, sad, joyful or angry.  I am loved for who I am and I don’t need to pretend to be something different.  Despite the ups and downs of this roller coaster, I am thankful that my children will see what love is all about.


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