Note from Tina: The OMB “#ijustwantpeace” campaign is allowing the brave women (and men) who have been victimized by Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Family Court System to have a voice. My heart breaks every time I hear their stories — many are sharing their stories for the first time. This is yet another survivor of a Cluster B personality disordered individual and a family court system that fails to put children first.
It has been six and a half years since my ex and I separated. About six months before he finally left for good, I discovered I was pregnant. Being a mother is the most important role in my life, I have three wonderful children, but I should have four. In that moment I panicked. I knew if it was a girl that she would subject to the same abuse as me and my children, and if it was a boy, I knew he would never leave, that he would chase me down and force me to give him the son he always wanted. I knew that if it were a boy that he would be a supreme disappointment to his narc father because that is the way the world worked. I couldn’t breathe, I can’t breathe as I type this now all these years later. I had an abortion. I felt so trapped, so completely helpless to protect my children. I wish I had trusted God’s plan for me and kept my child. This is a burden I will carry forever. I am so sorry for what I have done.
We are lucky in so many ways, mainly because at this time we are still together, my children and I. I know that could change. My ex has already started to plant ideas in their heads that they can live with him when they are older.
My children carry heavy burdens. They love their father. They fear their father. They don’t understand why he does not treat them the same as he does his other children or his stepchildren. They ask me why he doesn’t know their favorite color, or what foods they like, or what size clothes they wear. They cry because sometimes he doesn’t buy one a birthday present, or because he yells at them for crying. They come home angry and raging “to get the mad out” since at his house they are expected to be happy at all times. They are scared for me. They are scared that I will die. When they were little they would tell stories of their father putting me in a hole in the woods. They watched their father assault me at a custody exchange and then got yelled at by him for it being their fault that I got hurt.
I know I am my children’s safety net but my own net is so full of holes and yet we stay afloat somehow. I wish all my fellow protective moms and dads peace in 2018, may we all have what it takes to keep standing tall, sharing our stories and protecting our children. #ijustwant peace