LightI’m feeling it today.

Our current parenting evaluation was originally ordered in October of 2012 however, the court order didn’t even make it to the evaluator until January of this year. The stress of the past four years seems to be hitting me full force over the past few days as the anticipation of this report hangs heavily in the air.  I’m so ready for this evaluation to be over yet terrified of what the recommendation will be.

My best friend called me yesterday.  She is a well-known and well-respected life coach who has appeared on the Oprah Show.  The reason that I give you that background: she was called by the custody evaluator and questioned about an incident that supposedly happened over the past few months.  Seth claimed that she was involved in some type of bar incident where either he or his girlfriend were threatened.  My best friend devotes her life to helping people- not hurting people.  She doesn’t hang out in bars and in fact, probably hasn’t been to a real bar in a year.

That showed me Seth’s desperation.

I also got a message from Seth’s ex-girlfriend yesterday- she too had received a call from the evaluator.  While I don’t personally know this woman other than through online communication, she has been another angel in our world.  She bravely offered to tell of her interactions with Seth which involved mood swings, alcohol abuse, rage, physically grabbing her arm and in the end, harassment and stalking that prompted her to have her locks changed.

That verbal declaration gives me hope.

There are a million thoughts running through my brain as I wait.

  • I worry about Seth’s family’s interaction with the evaluator.  Then I remind myself that I have been able to prove their lack of credibility through their own emails and actions.
  • I worry about whether or not the evaluator will believe Seth’s lies. Then I remind myself that there is too much evidence that proves he is 51 cards short of a full deck.
  • I worry because even with mountains or evidence against him; I am still dealing with the family court system.
  • I worry that if the report goes the way I think it will and Seth receives supervised visits, that he will snap.
  • I worry that we won’t get the report on Friday and then I worry that we will get the report on Friday.
  • I worry that my daughters will have to go to Seth’s this weekend for a visit, after we receive the report.
  • I worry that because my daughters have spoken the truth and used their voices throughout this evaluation, that it will come back to haunt them this weekend when Seth sees the report.
  • I worry and then I remember some of my favorite quotes:

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”  –Corrie ten Boom

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” – Marcus Aurelius

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” -Philippians 4:6-7

I feel like stress of this four-year battle has smacked me straight upside the head. I believe that this custody evaluation will set the foundation for the next five years of our lives. I feel like the weight of the battle is riding on my shoulders today.

Accepting prayers, positive thoughts and loads of pixie dust.  I need to keep moving towards the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know its there.  

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Click the link to purchase Tina’s new book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle.”  You will find insight, red flag reflections and strategies on how to survive (and thrive!) while divorcing of co-parenting with a narcissist. Tired of panicking at the site of a new email from the narcissist in your inbox? Learn how to decode the emails and see them for what they are. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.


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