Today is very bittersweet.

Since the day that X and I separated, I have verbalized the following statement to everyone who knows me: “I just have to make it until September of 2012”.  That date marks my youngest daughter’s transition into kindergarten.  There are a lot of reasons why the date was such a big deal in my world.  Much of it had to do with the high cost of preschool.  Due to finances, she’s only been enrolled in preschool on a part-time basis.

There has also been a lot of juggling related to my job and my career.  It has been a very trying few years for us.  I am blessed to do marketing and public relations which allows me the opportunity to work from home but it has been difficult.  My daughter has been my side-kick during the week.  She has been my little co-worker who travels with me to run work errands with a smile on her face.  She patiently waits for me to finish conference calls that are sometimes two hours in duration.  She doesn’t complain but asks me every hour on the hour, “when is (sister) coming home”.  She is my golden-hearted angel who aside from the normal sibling rivalry, doesn’t have a mean bone in her little body.

I took her to Kindergarten orientation yesterday and cried while walking to the orientation and during the principal’s speech about incoming kindergarteners.  I cried as we left the school parking lot while telling her about my first day of kindergarten.  Today was difficult as we drove out of the parking lot and left behind two little girls who were eager for their first day of school.  Watching her hang her backpack on the hook outside of her classroom brought the first few tears.  There have been so many things that were mentally tied into this date that it was quite overwhelming for me.

The positive side of things: I now have five days a week to focus on my career and I don’t have the overwhelming stress of a preschool bill which is due on the 1st day of each month.

The mom/reality side of things: my co-worker has a new job as of today.  I am not greeted with hugs during my conference calls and my house is way too quiet.  I sit here with tears streaming down my face while eagerly anticipating the 2:30pm pick up time.  I’ve wanted this day to come for so long because I’ve been running in “survival mode” but now it is here and I wish that I could push the “stop button”.

Today I am missing my girls.

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