Tina's Story

Another Missed Visitation

This weekend was suppose to be my X’s weekend with the children.  He refused to comply with the orders as they are written even after being lectured by the attorney representing my daughters.  The result: visitation cancelled.

I made the decision to cancel Saturday’s visitation for non-compliance and gave him the chance to see the girls on Sunday.  It’s such a simple order– email around ten am the day prior (24 hours notice) confirming in writing that he will exercise his rights to visitation.   He has a Blackberry and he has internet on his phone.  He also has Gmail.   Last night I described it best: it’s like having a stand-off with a two-year old.

If you are having a stand-off with a two year old then there are resources available to help.  There are parenting books and television shows like the Supernanny.  When you are having a stand-off with a 37-year old man, it’s just plain frustrating.  Like another single mommy who I admire recently said, “Actions = Consequences”.

The bottom line is this: his defiance caused him to miss time with his daughters.  That is sad.

Saturday afternoon, the girls and I went to a New Year’s Eve celebration at our local Children’s Museum complete with a 12pm countdown, balloon drop and apple cider toast.  We made party hats and noisemakers and had a great time.  We went on with our day and that’s what we will continue to do —whether he chooses to participate in their lives or not.

This morning I was talking to the girls at breakfast about the new year and my aspirations– to have more joy in my heart and to live each day in gratitude.  We talked about things we each hoped for and wanted to work on.  My 6 year old daughter looked and me and said, “Do you know what I wish for but I don’t think it will happen?  For Daddy to be nicer to you“.  I didn’t know what to say– I just leaned over and gave her a hug.

There is no manual or script and there are no cue cards or Cliff Notes.  Sometimes I don’t have the answers– just hugs.

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One Mom’s Battle: Our mission at One Mom’s Battle is to increase awareness of Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder) and their impact upon shared parenting and the Family Court System which includes Judges, CPS workers, Guardian ad Litems (GAL), Parenting Coordinators (PC), Custody Evaluators, therapists and attorneys. Education on Cluster B disorders will allow these professionals to truly act in the best interest of the children.

History of One Mom’s Battle: In 2009, One Mom’s Battle began with one mother, (Tina Swithin), navigating the choppy waters of a high-conflict divorce in the Family Court System. Since then, it has turned into a grassroots movement reaching the far corners of the Earth. Tina’s battle spanned from 2009 – 2014 during which time she acted as her own attorney. Ultimately, Tina was successful in protecting her daughters and her family has enjoyed complete peace since October 2014 when a Family Court commissioner called her ex-husband a “sociopath” and revoked his parenting time in a final custody order.

Tina Swithin: Divorcing a narcissist? Tina Swithin’s books are available online at Amazon (print, Kindle or audio format). Each year, Tina offers life-changing weekends of camaraderie and healing at the Lemonade Power Retreat.  Tina also offers one-on-one coaching services and a private, secure forum called, The Lemonade Club, for those enduring high-conflict custody battles.

 

 

11 thoughts on “Another Missed Visitation

  1. Tina,

    He probably looks at the pre-visitation requirements as an attempt to control him.

    What a shame – He cares more about his pride than about seeing his daughters. But he isn’t unique in that. Many guys care more about hurting their ex than being with their kids.

  2. Often in life people don’t want to be responsible for their actions or following rules. It wasn’t until the law had to get involved due to the violence my ex posed to me that he started to realize HE is responsible for his actions, HE is accountable for his actions, HE can’t blame his actions on anyone but his conscious decision to act out those actions and for EVERY action there are consequences some good and some bad. It’s sad that he chooses to make his anger a priority over being an upstanding person and setting a good example of what a GOOD man/father is. Like I have said before, doing the right thing isn’t always the easy thing but you have to be consistent. Your example in consistency, complying with rules set out and working toward resolutions/answers “getting into the solution” will allow you to teach by example…you’ll be showing them they are worth more, they shouldn’t settle and being compliant with rules is the honest upstanding thing to do. Being good, following rules, and standing up for what is right is sometimes the hardest thing to do, at time one can be mocked but remember this…the legacy you leave with your daughters is what matters most. May this new year bring you wisdom and a renewed strength to be the great mom you need to be and find working solutions for challenges ahead.

    Namaste,
    Dani

  3. I often wished for such a manual. What to do when Daddy’s in jail? How to ride the fine line between not bad-mouthing your ex, yet not lying for him. It’s complicated stuff, for sure. You’re doing an awesome job, and that’s because you are putting your daughters first. Just keep doing that, and you and your girls will be fine.

  4. Tina, what I am speaking about is a little different.

    Most healthy & well adjusted people care about themselves first and foremost. As adults we know when & where to turn that off though – that’s why we are able to have a civilized society (for the most part.) Also, you’ve heard about the saying “put your mask on first.” right? Basically – you have to care for yourself & make sure you’re OK before you’re any good to anyone else. Again, a healthy concept.

    What I am specifically talking about is something else entirely. I have seen that when a marriage ends, it seems like there is always at least one parent who is cares more about their anger & pride than their kid / kids. It’s sad.

  5. My kids are now 32 and 35 and 2 of the most wonderful humans on the face of the earth. They have no contact with the (@49&$ I mean sperm doner. Haven’t in twenty some years.
    It doesn’t feel like it now but it will get better. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    Connie

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